Things Steve Loves: Billy Mays

What do you get when you combine the charm and beard of Al Borland with the entrepreneurial spirit of Donald Trump? You get Billy Mays, the father of the modern infomercial, a captain of industry, the purveyor of useless crap that sits in the garages and cabinets of millions of Americans.

Billy Mays passed away this morning in his home. The fumes from OxyClean won't be able to quell the tears of his adoring fans, nor will Mighty Putty be able to able to hold their broken hearts together.

We all have learned many lessons from this beautiful, beautiful man in his short time here on this earth. If you call in the next ten minutes you WILL get a free set of kitchen knives and sometimes in life if you wait...there is more.

But most of all, we have learned to take things little by little. Why undertake something all at once when you can do it with simple, little monthly installments (plus shipping and handeling).

You will be missed, William D. Mays, Jr. You are in a better place now, and we are stuck with that ass-clown Vince Shlomi.

Now YOU Can Be A Hater Too!

If you look on the right sidebar you will notice a new feature called "Are You A Hater Too?" Show your loyalty to Things Steve Hates by adding yourself as a Follower...all you need is a Google, Yahoo! or AIM ID. Don't worry, there aren't any updates or spam or anything; adding yourself is just something fun to do.

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Also, for a limited time you can upgrade to Platinum Level for a nominal fee of $29.99 per month! This package includes a Things Steve Hates T-Shirt, an exclusive Things Steve Hates bumper sticker or coffee mug, a Steve plush toy that names the things it hates when you pull its cord, and a lunch date with Steve, your favorite blogger, at a restaurant of your choosing!

PayPal is the preferred method of payment, although you can also send Steve a check made out to CASH (which stands for "Currently A Serious Hater").

Hurry, this offer expires at midnight tomorrow!

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Speidi

Well I didn't even know who Brangelina were until recently, but at least Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have accomplished some stuff throughout their careers. They have starred in a number of high-grossing films and are among the top of the Hollywood "A List." Now Speidi comes along and I have just gotta ask this question:

Who the hell are these people?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are NOT celebrities. They are famous for one reason, being friends with celebrities. Come to think of it, their "friends" Brody Jenner and Lauren Conrad aren't really even that famous themselves. One is the son of an Olympic athlete and the other has a show that no one over the age of 25 even knows about. But putting that all aside, the couple has been in the news alot this past week. A few days back Al Roker interviewed them about their experiences on the show I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! and the two parties fought and blah, blah, blah...there was a controversy that spread on internet gossip blogs and Yahoo! Homepages and whatnot. But the one thing no one seemed to notice is that I'm a Celebrity and The Today Show are both on NBC!

By creating this buzz and "faking" a fight between Speidi and Roker I'm a Celebrity gets its name out there and NBC gets to cash in, as the major networks are in their summer slump when most programs are in reruns. NBC's show becomes the watercooler program of the summer and Spencer and Heidi get their names in the news so they can try to land a gig on another reality show about nothing.

It's one big conspiracy people, and Speidi is the Jack Ruby of today. Of course, most of you probably have no idea who that is because you have been watching too much reality TV.

Stupid Awards

Back in the fall I had to write a speech for my government class about service or something like that. I worked on it for about 15 minutes, came to school, and read it into audio software in a voice that made me sound as if I were a drunk Ben Stein (just imagine for a moment what that would sound like...).

Well, imagine my surprise when this spring the VFW came to our school and presented me and two dozen of my classmates with awards certificates. According to this certificate I was:

AN OUTSTANDING SPOKESPERSON FOR FREEDOM

Which begs the question, just what the hell does that mean?

We live in a society where EVERYONE gets dumb awards for accomplishing nothing. Can't win an Oscar? Well try for a Golden Globe. Can't win one of those? People's Choice Awards! Still no luck? Well then you can be on Nickelodeon for the Teen Choice Awards and get a surfboard trophy from Ashton Kutcher or whatever tool-ish celebrity with a shag haircut is hosting the awards that year.

It's not just Hollywood either...Al Gore "invents the internet" and BAM! Nobel Prize. What happens when you pee on an electric fence and your heart stops beating? You get a Darwin Award.

Why don't we all just stop accepting awards that mean nothing. After all, you aren't that great...that's why you are reading this blog when you could be out helping orphans or curing cancer.

Follow my example the next time you get a stupid award: a $3 trophy I was awarded for accomplishing absolutely nothing has been made into a hood ornament, was sitting at the bottom of a pool, and is now in twelve pieces in the middle of a parking lot after it was flung over a fence with a long net.

The saddest part of this whole story is that I know someone is out there reading this, ready to give me an award for destroying a trophy in the most creative way.