Saturday, June 13, 2009

Stupid Awards

Back in the fall I had to write a speech for my government class about service or something like that. I worked on it for about 15 minutes, came to school, and read it into audio software in a voice that made me sound as if I were a drunk Ben Stein (just imagine for a moment what that would sound like...).

Well, imagine my surprise when this spring the VFW came to our school and presented me and two dozen of my classmates with awards certificates. According to this certificate I was:


Which begs the question, just what the hell does that mean?

We live in a society where EVERYONE gets dumb awards for accomplishing nothing. Can't win an Oscar? Well try for a Golden Globe. Can't win one of those? People's Choice Awards! Still no luck? Well then you can be on Nickelodeon for the Teen Choice Awards and get a surfboard trophy from Ashton Kutcher or whatever tool-ish celebrity with a shag haircut is hosting the awards that year.

It's not just Hollywood either...Al Gore "invents the internet" and BAM! Nobel Prize. What happens when you pee on an electric fence and your heart stops beating? You get a Darwin Award.

Why don't we all just stop accepting awards that mean nothing. After all, you aren't that great...that's why you are reading this blog when you could be out helping orphans or curing cancer.

Follow my example the next time you get a stupid award: a $3 trophy I was awarded for accomplishing absolutely nothing has been made into a hood ornament, was sitting at the bottom of a pool, and is now in twelve pieces in the middle of a parking lot after it was flung over a fence with a long net.

The saddest part of this whole story is that I know someone is out there reading this, ready to give me an award for destroying a trophy in the most creative way.

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