Thursday, April 23, 2009

Facebook Stalkers

Everyone knows who they are. While you are skimming through pictures on Facebook, untagging youself from ones where you have mysterious Solo cups in your hand, you hear a "blip" noise and immediately a window pops up.

Your stalker wants to chat with you.

You desperately try to ignore it and do not respond, but your stalker keeps on typing asking "Hellloooo?" or "Anybody there?"
Some people just can't take hints.

Facebook stalkers, or Facestalkers, have taken over the social networking site. They "Like" or comment on statuses you made weeks ago, the look over random photos of you from last summer when you were at the beach, and the worst thing they do is when they TALK TO YOU ABOUT THEIR FACESTALKING!
Facestalker 1: Hey, Steven. I saw you had a fun Christmas! How was New Jersey?
Steven: It's April, dude. What the hell are you talking about?
Facestalker 1: Well I saw some photos of you on Facebook-
Steven: Yeah, from 4 months ago!
Facestalker 2: Oh, I saw those photos too. How is David doing?
Facestalker 1: Yeah, how is he?
Steven: Why do you know the name of my eight year-old cousin?
Facestalkers: Because we're Facestalkers! We know everything about you. [Their eyes spin to the back of their heads.]
It's nuts, people. Facestalkers are everywhere, soaking up every ounce of gossip and information about you. In the 1600's to know anything about anyone you had to go to some party where everyone wore ridiculous wigs. In the 1950's, you went to the salon, where you sat under a blow dryer and talked to all the neighborhood ladies who were also getting their hair done. What do people do today? Sit on Facebook and stalk people. But I digress, that's probably how half of you reading this ended up here on this blog.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Virginia Tech

So I am now officially a Wahoo and will be heading down to Charlottesville next year, and by confirming my intent to attend UVA and paying the deposit I am now officially a hater of all things related to Virginia Tech.

Just who do these Hokies think they are? They call UVA "snobby" and "pompous" yet none of them can even spell either of those words. They say Tech is so beautiful and the mountains in the area make it very scenic, yet none of them can even find Blacksburg on a map of Virginia. Anyways, to celebrate my hatred for Tech, here is a list of the five reasons why I hate that little dump out in Blacksburg.

5) A Hokie, no matter what any VT student/grad tells you, is a castrated turkey. They may tell you otherwise and that "Hokie" comes from a fight song the students used to sing, but it is a castrated turkey. No ifs, ands, or buts (or balls).

4) They brag about the athletic program there, but the only national championship Tech has won is in bass fishing! Plus, year after year, UVA wins more head-to-head match-ups against Tech in all sports the schools compete against each other in.

3) Contrary to what you will find on almost every single Hokie got the same thing on his or her SAT test.


2) One of VT's biggest claims to fame is that it has the largest male residence hall on the East Coast with 1000 boys living there. Why anyone would want to brag about being surrounded by 999 other sausage links I do not know, but hey, you gotta brag about something when you don't have much else going for you.

1) Tech's most famous alumnus is in jail because he hosted illegal dogfights. UVA's most famous alumni are...well, gee, I don't know where to start; Capitol Hill, Wall Street, the White House, writing The Raven and creating the genre of science fiction. Who knows?

I'll leave with a short history fact; all roads lead to Rome...but all dirt roads lead to Blacksburg, Virginia.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Google Images

So if you look at the below graphic you will notice it says "1000." Yesterday, when I put it up, I thought it was just some cool, swirly looking font, however, I just looked at it and realized the number is formed from the bodies of naked women.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

1000 Hits

In just three short weeks this blog has recorded over 1000 hits. Some of you out there may have just viewed this page once and others visit several times a week. Thanks to everyone who reads this! I can get away with saying stuff on here that I cannot at school or to people in person, and I love having an outlet for my creativity. Keep on reading, and feel free to leave me a comment whenever; you don't even have to register for, you can just use an "ID."

Obama Groupies

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Everyone loves Barack Obama. Millions of young people have been supportive of him and voted for him in last November's election. They have also read The Audacity of Hope, engage in debates about his foreign policy ideas, actively follow what his Cabinet is up to, and...

Oh wait.

They don't do any of these things.

In fact, most of Obama's supporter's (96.7%) have no idea what the hell is going on in the White House right now. (I stand corrected, they know he just got a dog named Bo and they can tell you what Michelle is wearing right now.) Many of Obama's supporters have no clue what Barack Obama's stances are on a number of issues! These supporters have been sucked in with our president's charm, his cool demeanor, and one of the best examples of self-marketing ever.

So can we all stop obsessing over Barack? Can we all please look up the facts before siding with one side just because it's what everyone else is doing? If we want to know about what Obama is doing can we turn off TMZ and turn on NBC? Yes we can!

My favorite Obama groupies...although they are a little more intelligent than the others.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Crying Children: What YOU Hate the Most

Whatever happened to the good ol' spank? You know, a kid starts acting up in the store when his parents don't buy him some sugar-loaded crap so the kid starts crying and WHAM-O the parent scoops him up and the kid's butt is so sore that he will be squirming in his carseat all the way home.

But those days are long gone, thanks to celebrities like Oprah and a bunch of idiot psychiatrists who write parenting books for the sake of making money. Now, we Americans have to put up with tantrums all over the place, because parents are afraid of their children.

100% True Story:

When I worked as a cashier at a grocery store one boy, about five years of age, in my line kept fussing and yelling about how his mother, who was purchasing groceries, was not going to have pizza for dinner when they got home. The lady had tons of groceries and this went on for a good ten minutes.

She paid and left, and I began scanning the next customer's groceries when, all of a sudden, I notice the kid is still there. He glanced up at me, saw his mother was no longer there, and let out the loudest, most bone-chilling noise I have ever heard in my life.

This is exactly what it sounded like. Play this clip on a loop to see what I had to deal with.

The mom had just left her kid there to cry! I looked back and the mom wasn't just moving a few feet away or pretending to leave; she just walked right out the entrance into the parking lot, leaving this kid for me to deal with.

It took a whole five minutes for a manager to come over and take this kid to customer service, and just as she did, the mother came back inside and the kid was bawling harder than ever. Snot flew from his nose, there was a puddle of tears on the floor, it was a catastrophe. The mother just looked at the child, ignoring the manager and I, and said sternly to the child, "I hope you learned your lesson."

Ladies and gentlemen, these crying children are spreading faster than the bird flu (which actually isn't spreading at all). They are a menace and will grow up to be a generation of whining, bitching adults who will be running our country one day. So, the next time you are in the grocery store and you see some brat whining about not getting marshmallows, do our nation a favor and give the kid a nice kick in the ass. It's a public responsibility.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Crying Children Have Won!

Well, it was an epic struggle to the death, but in the final few hours "Crying children" rallied to beat "Facebook stalkers" as your most hated thing. There is no dispute about this election-hanging chads played no part in the process.

Stay tuned to find out why YOU hate crying children...

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Shamwow Guy

You know that weird kid from high school who could quote Bible passages and always handed out pamphlets telling you the end of the world was coming? Well, this is that guy, six nervous breakdowns and a whole lotta cocaine later.

Vince Shlomi, as he is known, is one jacked up guy and I hate him for several reasons:

5) In the infomercials he appears to be about 30 years old and a decent looking guy. However, the guy is a wrinkly, old geezer, having cursed this world on which he has walked for a whopping 45 years!

4) His double-entendres are NOT funny.

3) He played a Fetus Salesman in his movie Underground Comedy Movie. What the hell is a fetus salesman?

2) He punched a hooker several times and got off with no charges! Who does the think he is, a professional basketball player?

1) His product, the Shamwow, fared better than Billy Mays' product, Zorbeez. No one one-ups Billy Mays and lives for very long.

Vince Shlomi: Fetus Salesman

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The Young Girl/Old Woman Illusion

This may be one of the dumbest things I have ever seen in my life, not because the picture itself is ridiculously hideous, but because EVERYONE knows about this picture. You could go to anyone in any developed nation and ask, "Hey what do you see in this picture?" and without a doubt that person will say he sees both a young girl AND an old lady. 68% of Americans can't even locate their own country on a map of the world but all of them, without a doubt, see both a young girl and an old lady.

Which begs the question:

Why the heck do people still go around asking others what they see in this picture when it is blatently obvious that everyone has seen this picture hundreds of times? Do these questioners really think others are that dumb? Do they just want some sort of attention?

You may be asking yourself why I am singling out this particular picture, when really I hate the stupid people who ask others what they see in this illusion.

Well, I guess what really makes me hate this picture so much is that fact that deep down, I know I don't have a chance with either the young lady OR the old woman.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Fun Size Candy Bars

This planet is full of mysteries that no one will ever know the answer to. Is Bigfoot real? Are there descendents of Jesus among us? Why do the British drive on the wrong side of the road? And, the biggest question of them all; what the heck is so fun about "Fun Size" Candy Bars?

First off, the people who usually possess these fun size candy bars are in fact, no fun at all. According to Wikipedia, 80% of the fun size candy bar market is consumed by teachers and divorced, dead-beat fathers.

Algebra Student: Woohoo! I won Exam Review Math Bingo! What is my prize?

Ms. Crabapple: Here you go, it's a fun size candy bar! [Hands student candy bar weighing 0.04 grams]
Algebra Student: Uh...gee...thanks...

Kid: Gee, dad I sure hope we can go on that camping trip today like you promised.

Dead-Beat Father: Oh, yeah...shit...well, how a piece of candy for you?

Kid: Uh...gee...thanks. Well can we go next month then? You can show me how to tie knots and make a fire and tell edible berries from the poisonous ones and...

Dead-Beat Father: Isn't it about time for your mother to come pick you back up?

Kid: She just dropped me off six minutes ago! We have a whole day of fun together!

Dead-Beat Father: Thank God they don't make Fun Size Jack Daniels!

Secondly, these fun size candy bars do absolutely nothing hunger wise. If you go ahead and eat a big candy bar, you are gonna be pretty filled up for awhile, but eat a fun size candy bar and you will be eating something else five minutes later. The empty calories are gonna add up fast, which begs me to ask, what is so "fun" about obesity? What is so fun about getting picked last in kickball? What is so fun about increased mortality rates? What is so fun about high blood pressure? NOTHING.

It is an enigma why these candy bars still remain so small. Everywhere you look people want things bigger and bigger. Just ask Bob:

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

You Decide '09

There are only 9 days left to vote in the 2009 "What Do You Hate?" contest. Gallup polls are showing Facebook stalkers with a slight lead over crying children but clich├ęs have had a huge boost over the past few days. Who is it gonna be? Only you can decide...

So can we point our mice, click, and let our voices be heard?