Saturday, April 4, 2009

Fun Size Candy Bars

This planet is full of mysteries that no one will ever know the answer to. Is Bigfoot real? Are there descendents of Jesus among us? Why do the British drive on the wrong side of the road? And, the biggest question of them all; what the heck is so fun about "Fun Size" Candy Bars?

First off, the people who usually possess these fun size candy bars are in fact, no fun at all. According to Wikipedia, 80% of the fun size candy bar market is consumed by teachers and divorced, dead-beat fathers.

Algebra Student: Woohoo! I won Exam Review Math Bingo! What is my prize?

Ms. Crabapple: Here you go, it's a fun size candy bar! [Hands student candy bar weighing 0.04 grams]
Algebra Student: Uh...gee...thanks...

Kid: Gee, dad I sure hope we can go on that camping trip today like you promised.

Dead-Beat Father: Oh, yeah...shit...well, how a piece of candy for you?

Kid: Uh...gee...thanks. Well can we go next month then? You can show me how to tie knots and make a fire and tell edible berries from the poisonous ones and...

Dead-Beat Father: Isn't it about time for your mother to come pick you back up?

Kid: She just dropped me off six minutes ago! We have a whole day of fun together!

Dead-Beat Father: Thank God they don't make Fun Size Jack Daniels!

Secondly, these fun size candy bars do absolutely nothing hunger wise. If you go ahead and eat a big candy bar, you are gonna be pretty filled up for awhile, but eat a fun size candy bar and you will be eating something else five minutes later. The empty calories are gonna add up fast, which begs me to ask, what is so "fun" about obesity? What is so fun about getting picked last in kickball? What is so fun about increased mortality rates? What is so fun about high blood pressure? NOTHING.

It is an enigma why these candy bars still remain so small. Everywhere you look people want things bigger and bigger. Just ask Bob:

No comments:

Post a Comment