Coming Soon: NEW ENTRIES

It's been a long 4 months and the HATE has been festering...

In the meantime, watch the official video of my comeback. If it doesn't get you pumped, nothing will.

Bumper Stickers

This summer I have been travelling alot and in my many hours on the road in Virginia and beyond I have encountered some of the most ridiculous bumper stickers I have ever seen. Here are just a few examples of what I have witnessed, in order of how much I hate that particular sticker:

10) "Support Frodo Baggins"

9) "Sodomy Smells Bad"

8) "Angostic" (Did they spell "Agnostic" wrong?)

7) One that said NOBAMA with a red, circular void sign over it (I guess double negatives don't apply to bumper stickers)

6) "Capitalism Sucks" (I wonder what paid for that car AND that sticker)

5) "Virginia is for F***ers"

4) "Ron Paul for Dictator" (ironic..?)

3) One that was shaped like a dead fetus

2) "Baby Jesus Cries When You Don't Use Your Turn Signal"

1) One that said "Gore/Lieberman 2000"...it was on a 2006 Honda Accord

It's not that I don't think Tibet should be free, nor is it that I hate elementary school honors students, rather, the reason I loathe these symbols of tackiness is because I am sure they contribute to more accidents than drinking, texting, and changing the radio COMBINED.

Don't believe me? The next time you are driving down the highway and you see a car littered with bumper stickers, try and not focus all of your attention on reading all of the ridiculous messages on them. With any luck you won't skid off the road or be voting for Al Gore in an election that happened six years before the car was made.

(By the way, this photo was taken in Texas by my sister, Allison)

The Lollipop Guild

Everyone remembers watching The Wizard of Oz as a little kid. For some people, the scariest part is the tornado scene, for others it is the one with he flying monkeys. But for a third group, the scariest scene occurs at a time when no warning of impending doom is present. This scary scene is a poorly choreographed shenanigan starring the notorious trio known as...

The Lollipop Guild!

Out of nowhere three surly-looking Lilliputians appear and begin singing and dancing like a bunch of band kids at a high school dance. Even Dorothy doesn't know what to make of them. Their hair is plastered on, their clothes are made of felt, and the waistlines on their trousers are up to their nipples.

Who are these people?

Just what the hell is a lollipop guild anyway? This colony of little people is being attacked continuously by a witch to the fricking point that they are scared to even come out of hiding when they see an outsider and you are telling me that they have nothing better to do than dance around and sing about lollipops?!?! Jesus H. Christ. You know the Lollipop Guild had been rehearsing that sketch for awhile; they just didn't pop out of the woodwork and put on an impromptu jam-session. Is this where all the Munchkinland taxes went? No wonder they are extinct.

*****

The Lollipop Guild may be gone, but its legacy lives on.

Goin' on Hiatus

I won't be updating my blog for the next two weeks (like I have really been updating it alot recently) as I attempt to find myself, the American Dream, and the meaning of life in the American Southwest...

Actually, it's a tacky family road trip I will be going on that will most likely incluide the standard pictures, visits to gift shops selling junk, and my brother falling into the Grand Canyon.

Anyway, in the mean time visit one of my personal favorite sites:

superpoop.com

-Steve

Things Steve Loves: Billy Mays

What do you get when you combine the charm and beard of Al Borland with the entrepreneurial spirit of Donald Trump? You get Billy Mays, the father of the modern infomercial, a captain of industry, the purveyor of useless crap that sits in the garages and cabinets of millions of Americans.

Billy Mays passed away this morning in his home. The fumes from OxyClean won't be able to quell the tears of his adoring fans, nor will Mighty Putty be able to able to hold their broken hearts together.

We all have learned many lessons from this beautiful, beautiful man in his short time here on this earth. If you call in the next ten minutes you WILL get a free set of kitchen knives and sometimes in life if you wait...there is more.

But most of all, we have learned to take things little by little. Why undertake something all at once when you can do it with simple, little monthly installments (plus shipping and handeling).

You will be missed, William D. Mays, Jr. You are in a better place now, and we are stuck with that ass-clown Vince Shlomi.

Now YOU Can Be A Hater Too!

If you look on the right sidebar you will notice a new feature called "Are You A Hater Too?" Show your loyalty to Things Steve Hates by adding yourself as a Follower...all you need is a Google, Yahoo! or AIM ID. Don't worry, there aren't any updates or spam or anything; adding yourself is just something fun to do.

*****

Also, for a limited time you can upgrade to Platinum Level for a nominal fee of $29.99 per month! This package includes a Things Steve Hates T-Shirt, an exclusive Things Steve Hates bumper sticker or coffee mug, a Steve plush toy that names the things it hates when you pull its cord, and a lunch date with Steve, your favorite blogger, at a restaurant of your choosing!

PayPal is the preferred method of payment, although you can also send Steve a check made out to CASH (which stands for "Currently A Serious Hater").

Hurry, this offer expires at midnight tomorrow!

*****

Speidi

Well I didn't even know who Brangelina were until recently, but at least Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have accomplished some stuff throughout their careers. They have starred in a number of high-grossing films and are among the top of the Hollywood "A List." Now Speidi comes along and I have just gotta ask this question:

Who the hell are these people?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are NOT celebrities. They are famous for one reason, being friends with celebrities. Come to think of it, their "friends" Brody Jenner and Lauren Conrad aren't really even that famous themselves. One is the son of an Olympic athlete and the other has a show that no one over the age of 25 even knows about. But putting that all aside, the couple has been in the news alot this past week. A few days back Al Roker interviewed them about their experiences on the show I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! and the two parties fought and blah, blah, blah...there was a controversy that spread on internet gossip blogs and Yahoo! Homepages and whatnot. But the one thing no one seemed to notice is that I'm a Celebrity and The Today Show are both on NBC!

By creating this buzz and "faking" a fight between Speidi and Roker I'm a Celebrity gets its name out there and NBC gets to cash in, as the major networks are in their summer slump when most programs are in reruns. NBC's show becomes the watercooler program of the summer and Spencer and Heidi get their names in the news so they can try to land a gig on another reality show about nothing.

It's one big conspiracy people, and Speidi is the Jack Ruby of today. Of course, most of you probably have no idea who that is because you have been watching too much reality TV.

Stupid Awards

Back in the fall I had to write a speech for my government class about service or something like that. I worked on it for about 15 minutes, came to school, and read it into audio software in a voice that made me sound as if I were a drunk Ben Stein (just imagine for a moment what that would sound like...).

Well, imagine my surprise when this spring the VFW came to our school and presented me and two dozen of my classmates with awards certificates. According to this certificate I was:

AN OUTSTANDING SPOKESPERSON FOR FREEDOM

Which begs the question, just what the hell does that mean?

We live in a society where EVERYONE gets dumb awards for accomplishing nothing. Can't win an Oscar? Well try for a Golden Globe. Can't win one of those? People's Choice Awards! Still no luck? Well then you can be on Nickelodeon for the Teen Choice Awards and get a surfboard trophy from Ashton Kutcher or whatever tool-ish celebrity with a shag haircut is hosting the awards that year.

It's not just Hollywood either...Al Gore "invents the internet" and BAM! Nobel Prize. What happens when you pee on an electric fence and your heart stops beating? You get a Darwin Award.

Why don't we all just stop accepting awards that mean nothing. After all, you aren't that great...that's why you are reading this blog when you could be out helping orphans or curing cancer.

Follow my example the next time you get a stupid award: a $3 trophy I was awarded for accomplishing absolutely nothing has been made into a hood ornament, was sitting at the bottom of a pool, and is now in twelve pieces in the middle of a parking lot after it was flung over a fence with a long net.

The saddest part of this whole story is that I know someone is out there reading this, ready to give me an award for destroying a trophy in the most creative way.

When I Try to Act Cultural: A Story About Soup and Stupidity

So as my friends out there will attest, I am a pretty cosmopolitan guy; I speak Spanish fairly well, I know all kinds of facts about dozens of cultures and peoples, and I have many friends from all parts of the world.

However, this does not change the fact that I am a sheltered white boy from the 'burbs of Northern Virginia.

Not too long ago, I was driving around with a friend, looking for somewhere to eat. She wanted TGI Friday's. I wanted ethnic food. So after wasting a gallon and a half of gas, we ended up at some hole-in-the-wall Peruvian place in a crappy shopping center.

Upon walking in, my friend and I got a few stares from the waitstaff and the customers, all of whom were Latino. Yup, we were the idiot gringos who were going to embarass ourselves by trying to speak Spanish and acting like we knew a thing or two about the food we were going to be served.

Here's where the story gets good:

So the menu is mostly in Spanish, and I wasn't really hungry, so I just ordered a random soup. Five minutes later, our waitress came and put the stinkiest, strangest looking soup in front of me. It smelled like poo.

But I could not refuse it! I am Steven, the worldly, cultural kid who knows how to say hello in ten different languages! My hubris got the best of me, and I dipped my spoon into the soup and pulled up the rubberiest piece of chicken I had ever seen.

I had a few bites of the chicken, and boy was it bad. I didn't even want to know what the big rock-like thing in the middle of my soup was. We left the place and I thought to myself, "Boy, that was the worst chicken I had ever had in my life. Could it have been pork, perhaps?"

Well thanks to the miracle of the Internet I looked up the soup the next day and lo and behold, it was neither chicken or pork.

It was made from cow's stomach, and that big rock thing was a hoof.

World: 1 Steven: 0

The moral of this story: You can't change who you are, and I'm just a white boy from the 'burbs.

Alternate moral: Four years of Spanish do not qualify you as an expert on Latin food.

Popsicle Stick Jokes

The best part of summer is not watching your drunk friends shoot out their eyes with fireworks on the 4th of July, although that is always something to look forward to. No, the best part of the season is the food; burgers on the grill, corn on the cob, and especially popsicles.

Now I don't know about all of you, but there is nothing better than beating 100 degree weather with a refreshing red, white, and blue firecracker popsicle that makes your lips and tongue look as if you have just downed a bushel of blueberries. However, there is one thing I really hate about popsicles.

The jokes.

We all know the drill. After tearing off the wrapper you read the little words on the stick of wood that somehow, in some way, form something that resembles a joke.

Where do books sleep at night?

After your face and hands are completely sticky and covered in a mixture of high fructose corn syrup and Yellow Dye #6, you look down and get the answer:

Under the covers.

Here's a joke I ran into last week:

Why is it hard to iron a rhino?

Because it's all wrinkly

Who the hell writes these things? Is it the people who didn't get the job at the fortune cookie factory? Is it Dane Cook?

Apparently it's hard to iron this guy...

AP Tests

For all of you out there who have been asking me why this blog has had no new content in the last week, you finally have an answer:

AP Tests

Do not worry, however. In just a week my tests will cease and with nothing to do for the rest of the year this blog will be better than ever. So in the meantime, feel free to look through past entries, give me some comments about what you think needs improvement, and anything else you want.

-Steven

Facebook Stalkers

Everyone knows who they are. While you are skimming through pictures on Facebook, untagging youself from ones where you have mysterious Solo cups in your hand, you hear a "blip" noise and immediately a window pops up.

Your stalker wants to chat with you.

You desperately try to ignore it and do not respond, but your stalker keeps on typing asking "Hellloooo?" or "Anybody there?"

Some people just can't take hints.

Facebook stalkers, or Facestalkers, have taken over the social networking site. They "Like" or comment on statuses you made weeks ago, the look over random photos of you from last summer when you were at the beach, and the worst thing they do is when they TALK TO YOU ABOUT THEIR FACESTALKING!

-

Facestalker 1: Hey, Steven. I saw you had a fun Christmas! How was New Jersey?

Steven: It's April, dude. What the hell are you talking about?

Facestalker 1: Well I saw some photos of you on Facebook-

Steven: Yeah, from 4 months ago!

Facestalker 2: Oh, I saw those photos too. How is David doing?

Facestalker 1: Yeah, how is he?

Steven: Why do you know the name of my eight year-old cousin?

Facestalkers: Because we're Facestalkers! We know everything about you. [Their eyes spin to the back of their heads.]

-

It's nuts, people. Facestalkers are everywhere, soaking up every ounce of gossip and information about you. In the 1600's to know anything about anyone you had to go to some party where everyone wore ridiculous wigs. In the 1950's, you went to the salon, where you sat under a blow dryer and talked to all the neighborhood ladies who were also getting their hair done. What do people do today? Sit on Facebook and stalk people. But I digress, that's probably how half of you reading this ended up here on this blog.

Virginia Tech

So I am now officially a Wahoo and will be heading down to Charlottesville next year, and by confirming my intent to attend UVA and paying the deposit I am now officially a hater of all things related to Virginia Tech.

Just who do these Hokies think they are? They call UVA "snobby" and "pompous" yet none of them can even spell either of those words. They say Tech is so beautiful and the mountains in the area make it very scenic, yet none of them can even find Blacksburg on a map of Virginia. Anyways, to celebrate my hatred for Tech, here is a list of the five reasons why I hate that little dump out in Blacksburg.

5) A Hokie, no matter what any VT student/grad tells you, is a castrated turkey. They may tell you otherwise and that "Hokie" comes from a fight song the students used to sing, but it is a castrated turkey. No ifs, ands, or buts (or balls).

4) They brag about the athletic program there, but the only national championship Tech has won is in bass fishing! Plus, year after year, UVA wins more head-to-head match-ups against Tech in all sports the schools compete against each other in.

3) Contrary to what you will find on collegeboard.com almost every single Hokie got the same thing on his or her SAT test.

Drool.

2) One of VT's biggest claims to fame is that it has the largest male residence hall on the East Coast with 1000 boys living there. Why anyone would want to brag about being surrounded by 999 other sausage links I do not know, but hey, you gotta brag about something when you don't have much else going for you.

1) Tech's most famous alumnus is in jail because he hosted illegal dogfights. UVA's most famous alumni are...well, gee, I don't know where to start; Capitol Hill, Wall Street, the White House, writing The Raven and creating the genre of science fiction. Who knows?

I'll leave with a short history fact; all roads lead to Rome...but all dirt roads lead to Blacksburg, Virginia.

Google Images

So if you look at the below graphic you will notice it says "1000." Yesterday, when I put it up, I thought it was just some cool, swirly looking font, however, I just looked at it and realized the number is formed from the bodies of naked women.

FML.

1000 Hits

In just three short weeks this blog has recorded over 1000 hits. Some of you out there may have just viewed this page once and others visit several times a week. Thanks to everyone who reads this! I can get away with saying stuff on here that I cannot at school or to people in person, and I love having an outlet for my creativity. Keep on reading, and feel free to leave me a comment whenever; you don't even have to register for blogger.com, you can just use an "ID."

-Steven

Obama Groupies

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Everyone loves Barack Obama. Millions of young people have been supportive of him and voted for him in last November's election. They have also read The Audacity of Hope, engage in debates about his foreign policy ideas, actively follow what his Cabinet is up to, and...

Oh wait.

They don't do any of these things.

In fact, most of Obama's supporter's (96.7%) have no idea what the hell is going on in the White House right now. (I stand corrected, they know he just got a dog named Bo and they can tell you what Michelle is wearing right now.) Many of Obama's supporters have no clue what Barack Obama's stances are on a number of issues! These supporters have been sucked in with our president's charm, his cool demeanor, and one of the best examples of self-marketing ever.

So can we all stop obsessing over Barack? Can we all please look up the facts before siding with one side just because it's what everyone else is doing? If we want to know about what Obama is doing can we turn off TMZ and turn on NBC? Yes we can!

My favorite Obama groupies...although they are a little more intelligent than the others.

Crying Children: What YOU Hate the Most

Whatever happened to the good ol' spank? You know, a kid starts acting up in the store when his parents don't buy him some sugar-loaded crap so the kid starts crying and WHAM-O the parent scoops him up and the kid's butt is so sore that he will be squirming in his carseat all the way home.

But those days are long gone, thanks to celebrities like Oprah and a bunch of idiot psychiatrists who write parenting books for the sake of making money. Now, we Americans have to put up with tantrums all over the place, because parents are afraid of their children.

100% True Story:


When I worked as a cashier at a grocery store one boy, about five years of age, in my line kept fussing and yelling about how his mother, who was purchasing groceries, was not going to have pizza for dinner when they got home. The lady had tons of groceries and this went on for a good ten minutes.

She paid and left, and I began scanning the next customer's groceries when, all of a sudden, I notice the kid is still there. He glanced up at me, saw his mother was no longer there, and let out the loudest, most bone-chilling noise I have ever heard in my life.


This is exactly what it sounded like. Play this clip on a loop to see what I had to deal with.


http://www.jimcarreyonline.com/soundclips/dd/annoysnd.wav


The mom had just left her kid there to cry! I looked back and the mom wasn't just moving a few feet away or pretending to leave; she just walked right out the entrance into the parking lot, leaving this kid for me to deal with.

It took a whole five minutes for a manager to come over and take this kid to customer service, and just as she did, the mother came back inside and the kid was bawling harder than ever. Snot flew from his nose, there was a puddle of tears on the floor, it was a catastrophe. The mother just looked at the child, ignoring the manager and I, and said sternly to the child, "I hope you learned your lesson."

Ladies and gentlemen, these crying children are spreading faster than the bird flu (which actually isn't spreading at all). They are a menace and will grow up to be a generation of whining, bitching adults who will be running our country one day. So, the next time you are in the grocery store and you see some brat whining about not getting marshmallows, do our nation a favor and give the kid a nice kick in the ass. It's a public responsibility.

Crying Children Have Won!

Well, it was an epic struggle to the death, but in the final few hours "Crying children" rallied to beat "Facebook stalkers" as your most hated thing. There is no dispute about this election-hanging chads played no part in the process.

Stay tuned to find out why YOU hate crying children...

The Shamwow Guy

You know that weird kid from high school who could quote Bible passages and always handed out pamphlets telling you the end of the world was coming? Well, this is that guy, six nervous breakdowns and a whole lotta cocaine later.

Vince Shlomi, as he is known, is one jacked up guy and I hate him for several reasons:

5) In the infomercials he appears to be about 30 years old and a decent looking guy. However, the guy is a wrinkly, old geezer, having cursed this world on which he has walked for a whopping 45 years!


4) His double-entendres are NOT funny.


3) He played a Fetus Salesman in his movie Underground Comedy Movie. What the hell is a fetus salesman?


2) He punched a hooker several times and got off with no charges! Who does the think he is, a professional basketball player?



1) His product, the Shamwow, fared better than Billy Mays' product, Zorbeez. No one one-ups Billy Mays and lives for very long.








Vince Shlomi: Fetus Salesman

The Young Girl/Old Woman Illusion

This may be one of the dumbest things I have ever seen in my life, not because the picture itself is ridiculously hideous, but because EVERYONE knows about this picture. You could go to anyone in any developed nation and ask, "Hey what do you see in this picture?" and without a doubt that person will say he sees both a young girl AND an old lady. 68% of Americans can't even locate their own country on a map of the world but all of them, without a doubt, see both a young girl and an old lady.

Which begs the question:

Why the heck do people still go around asking others what they see in this picture when it is blatently obvious that everyone has seen this picture hundreds of times? Do these questioners really think others are that dumb? Do they just want some sort of attention?

You may be asking yourself why I am singling out this particular picture, when really I hate the stupid people who ask others what they see in this illusion.

Well, I guess what really makes me hate this picture so much is that fact that deep down, I know I don't have a chance with either the young lady OR the old woman.

Fun Size Candy Bars

This planet is full of mysteries that no one will ever know the answer to. Is Bigfoot real? Are there descendents of Jesus among us? Why do the British drive on the wrong side of the road? And, the biggest question of them all; what the heck is so fun about "Fun Size" Candy Bars?

First off, the people who usually possess these fun size candy bars are in fact, no fun at all. According to Wikipedia, 80% of the fun size candy bar market is consumed by teachers and divorced, dead-beat fathers.

Algebra Student: Woohoo! I won Exam Review Math Bingo! What is my prize?

Ms. Crabapple: Here you go, it's a fun size candy bar! [Hands student candy bar weighing 0.04 grams]

Algebra Student: Uh...gee...thanks...

or

Kid: Gee, dad I sure hope we can go on that camping trip today like you promised.

Dead-Beat Father: Oh, yeah...shit...well, how a piece of candy for you?

Kid: Uh...gee...thanks. Well can we go next month then? You can show me how to tie knots and make a fire and tell edible berries from the poisonous ones and...

Dead-Beat Father: Isn't it about time for your mother to come pick you back up?

Kid: She just dropped me off six minutes ago! We have a whole day of fun together!

Dead-Beat Father: Thank God they don't make Fun Size Jack Daniels!

Secondly, these fun size candy bars do absolutely nothing hunger wise. If you go ahead and eat a big candy bar, you are gonna be pretty filled up for awhile, but eat a fun size candy bar and you will be eating something else five minutes later. The empty calories are gonna add up fast, which begs me to ask, what is so "fun" about obesity? What is so fun about getting picked last in kickball? What is so fun about increased mortality rates? What is so fun about high blood pressure? NOTHING.

It is an enigma why these candy bars still remain so small. Everywhere you look people want things bigger and bigger. Just ask Bob:

You Decide '09

There are only 9 days left to vote in the 2009 "What Do You Hate?" contest. Gallup polls are showing Facebook stalkers with a slight lead over crying children but clichés have had a huge boost over the past few days. Who is it gonna be? Only you can decide...

So can we point our mice, click, and let our voices be heard?

YES WE CAN!

Phony Environmentalists

We see them every day. They lurk in the corners, waiting to see if we throw away plastic bottles. They follow us around the parking lot to see if we are driving a car that gets enough MPG's for them to be satisfied. They are a nightmare.

Over the past decade the amount of information the average American is exposed to regarding environmental concerns has skyrocketed. Sometimes, you can't even turn on the TV without seeing the NBC peacock symbol in green. Of course, this is all for the benefit of humanity. There are changes going on and nearly all signs point to we humans as the problem. However, one of the biggest consequences of this bombardment of information is the PHONY ENVIRONMENTALIST.

Typical Guy at party: Hey, what did you think of Al Gore's book An Inconvenient Truth?

Phony Environmentalist: Oh, well I'm not much of a book person.

Typical Guy: Well, did you see the movie?

Phony Environmentalist: [crickets]

Of course, at this party the phony environmentalist has already complained that the hors d'oeuvres were not organic and that the music playing is disturbing the mating habits of the treefrogs nearby. Mind you, they themselves do not know anything about frogs, they just saw it in some environmental magazine that they skimmed through.

You know where this problem starts? Hollywood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5rQM_HAcfA

People like Barbara Streisand and Michael Moore may say they are saving the environment, but I will bet all $62 dollars that are in my college fund that their "carbon footprints" (which is a made-up term) are twice the size of that of a whole family.

The next time you are at an outdoor mall and some college kid comes up to you and hands you a pamphlet about the "Plight of the Northwestern California Leopard Seal" take it and rip it up into pieces. Walk away and look back. He probably won't even pick up the litter that was just left on the ground.

Wikipedia Haters

Once in a generation an invention comes along that is so revolutionary, so life changing, and so beneficial to society that it cannot be ignored.

First came the wheel, then the plow. Later on we had the steam engine and the Furby. Today, we have something far greater: Wikipedia.

When you need to get a little nugget of info about the Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel for a project that is due tomorrow what do you do? Read Brittanica? Nope, gonna take too long. Go on Facebook and ask some nerdy kid you know? Hell no. He is probably the reason people call Wikipedia inaccurate. You go to wikipedia.org and BAM; you get immediate results, if you need to cite a source you pick some random link listed at the bottom of the page and since your teachers do not check sources anyways, you get an A and pass the class so now you parents get off your back about going to college so you don't have to stay at home on Saturdays and do homework while everyone else is out doing things which means you live a better social life and can associate with people which means you won't grow up to be a serial killer which means you will never have a trial before a grand jury so the "would-be" jurors can go to work which means their place of employment will be more productive and WE WILL PULL OURSELVES OUT OF THIS RECESSION!

Screw economic stimulus packages. All we need is some good ol' Wikipedia for everyone!

Happy Birthday, "Things I Hate"

Well, the idea of "Things I Hate" is now one week old, and although it is still in its infancy, I know big things will come. There is so much hatred out there!

And do not worry- I, Steven, am good with infants. I've only dropped this blog on its head twice.

If you hate it, I hate it too...

On the right panel is a poll asking what you hate the most. When the poll's time expires whichever one wins will go down in history as...

ONE OF THE THINGS I HATE

Be a part of this historic occasion. Get out and vote!

Bad Tattoos

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What do you hate?

Even though this is my blog, I wanna know what you hate.

Take the poll on the right, drop me a comment, LET ME KNOW!

It is unhealthy to let the hate bottle up! Look what it did to Frank Costanza in Seinfeld.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5513mXmQbw4

Serenity now, Insanity later!

The Sims

There is a certain thing people do when they fail at real life.

They make virtual lives.

The Sims has been a popular computer game for the past decade, winning many awards and causing thousands of nerds to actually have hope. Well I hate it!

Aside from nerds, The Sims attracts another group of people: kids. And there is only one real reason why kids play this computer game...they want to see if they can get the people to have sex with each other.

Yes, I said it. And you know I'm right. You create a husband and wife, keep the house clean to make them happy, get them to kiss each other. You may even look up cheat codes. Then, all of a sudden...BAM! You try to get them to make sweet, passionate, virtual love.

Of course, while you are doing this all of your friends are outside playing football or a "cool" video game, yet you are so mesmerized that you sit on the computer for hours trying to get the couple to do it while your social life goes down the toilet.

Guess what? Now, that your social life has gone down the toilet, you have nothing better to do than play some more of The Sims, and the company that makes the game knows this. They have like 40 expansion packs. It's a death trap people...stay far away from The Sims.

As Seen On TV

You stroll the aisles of Target looking for shampoo to control that dandruff of yours that keeps you from garnering the attention of that cute girl in chemistry class. You glance over the Head and Shoulders, the Selsun Blue, and the generic brands, trying to decide what one will get the job done best. All of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye, you notice a certain brand of shampoo fills an entire row. You go up to it and instantly you are in love.



It is that shampoo you saw on that commercial!



You go up to the counter, pay for it, drive home as fast as possible to test it out, and run up to the shower to test it out. Two hours later, your hair is flakier than ever.



Thats what you get for buying an "As Seen on TV" product.



The real question is not whether the product was going to work or not. We all know there is a better chance of George W. Bush getting a third term than one of these products actually working. The real question is WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE BUY THIS CRAP!



You would think that with iPods, DVDs, the internet, and crappy blogs like this one flooding the minds of Americans, there would be no chance that putting the word "TV" on something would actually sell something.



I'll end this post with this:

If I ever get my hands on the person responsible for "As Seen on TV" he will be sorry, because instead of going out with that girl from chemistry, I am sitting here, blogging, and scratching my head to get all of the flakes off.

<------ Sorry, lady, but this "As Seen on TV" toilet cleaner is pretty "crappy!"

"Representin' Area Codes"

Our grandparents represented the United States and all of the ideals of freedom, democracy, and liberty when they stormed Omaha Beach. They tore through enemy fire and trudged on after they saw their friends get brutally slaughtered, all in a valiant effort to stop the plague of facism that was rapidly spreading across the European continent.

What do today's youth represent?


Telephone Area Codes





One needs to look no further than the nearest middle school bus stop to see a growing trend that is plaguing our youth:


[White Kid #1] "Yo, man who you reppin'"


[Wite Kid #2] "Bro, I got the 703, ain't nowhere else to be" (throws up gang sign)


If these kids somehow end up on the front lines of some future conflict, we are toast.


But it doesn't stop at the bus stops. Oh no, no, no. This problem is much more widespread


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHOQ9lkfh9k


THERE IS A FRICKIN' RAP GROUP NAMED AFTER THE AREA CODE IN NEW ORLEANS


Where will it end?

Complimentary Breadsticks

In my family, going out to eat at a restaurant is a big deal, as we do so only two or three times a year. As little kids, my siblings and I would always get excited when we would go to get food. However, when we would get back home after eating I would always have a bad taste in my mouth (figuratively ;) ) because of a certain restaurant staple

The complimentary breadsticks.

The complimentary breadstick has only two uses known to man:

1) It can be used as a weapon when you fight with you brother while the food is cooking.

2) It is loaded with salt, butter, and carbohydrates and fills you up so much you don't have any room for your dinner.

Now, put yourself in my shoes for a minute...You are an eight year-old kid who hasn't been to a restaurant in like six months. All you want is a big, juicy hamburger and 3/4 of a pound of the crispiest french fried you could possibly imagine.

But you had to fill up on the breadsticks, didn't you?

Well, in six months you can try again.

-Tube Socks

Aunt Mildred's gift is the last one you will open this Christmas. After not getting that Xbox from mom and dad and having Grandma knit you a sweater you are thinking this Christmas is a wash. But wait! There is still one last chance:

Aunt Mildred's gift.

Everyone is watching you as you gently rip back the paper. What could it be? You can't wait any longer and rip off the wrapping in a fury.

You just got a pair of fucking tube socks.

Welcome To Things I Hate

Well, I am a pretty laid-back guy most of the time, however there are many things out there that just get under my skin. This blog is dedicated to the things I hate. I hope you have as much fun reading this blog as I had making it.