Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Phony Environmentalists

We see them every day. They lurk in the corners, waiting to see if we throw away plastic bottles. They follow us around the parking lot to see if we are driving a car that gets enough MPG's for them to be satisfied. They are a nightmare.

Over the past decade the amount of information the average American is exposed to regarding environmental concerns has skyrocketed. Sometimes, you can't even turn on the TV without seeing the NBC peacock symbol in green. Of course, this is all for the benefit of humanity. There are changes going on and nearly all signs point to we humans as the problem. However, one of the biggest consequences of this bombardment of information is the PHONY ENVIRONMENTALIST.

Typical Guy at party: Hey, what did you think of Al Gore's book An Inconvenient Truth?

Phony Environmentalist: Oh, well I'm not much of a book person.

Typical Guy: Well, did you see the movie?

Phony Environmentalist: [crickets]

Of course, at this party the phony environmentalist has already complained that the hors d'oeuvres were not organic and that the music playing is disturbing the mating habits of the treefrogs nearby. Mind you, they themselves do not know anything about frogs, they just saw it in some environmental magazine that they skimmed through.

You know where this problem starts? Hollywood.

People like Barbara Streisand and Michael Moore may say they are saving the environment, but I will bet all $62 dollars that are in my college fund that their "carbon footprints" (which is a made-up term) are twice the size of that of a whole family.

The next time you are at an outdoor mall and some college kid comes up to you and hands you a pamphlet about the "Plight of the Northwestern California Leopard Seal" take it and rip it up into pieces. Walk away and look back. He probably won't even pick up the litter that was just left on the ground.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Wikipedia Haters

Once in a generation an invention comes along that is so revolutionary, so life changing, and so beneficial to society that it cannot be ignored.

First came the wheel, then the plow. Later on we had the steam engine and the Furby. Today, we have something far greater: Wikipedia.

When you need to get a little nugget of info about the Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel for a project that is due tomorrow what do you do? Read Brittanica? Nope, gonna take too long. Go on Facebook and ask some nerdy kid you know? Hell no. He is probably the reason people call Wikipedia inaccurate. You go to wikipedia.org and BAM; you get immediate results, if you need to cite a source you pick some random link listed at the bottom of the page and since your teachers do not check sources anyways, you get an A and pass the class so now you parents get off your back about going to college so you don't have to stay at home on Saturdays and do homework while everyone else is out doing things which means you live a better social life and can associate with people which means you won't grow up to be a serial killer which means you will never have a trial before a grand jury so the "would-be" jurors can go to work which means their place of employment will be more productive and WE WILL PULL OURSELVES OUT OF THIS RECESSION!

Screw economic stimulus packages. All we need is some good ol' Wikipedia for everyone!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Happy Birthday, "Things I Hate"

Well, the idea of "Things I Hate" is now one week old, and although it is still in its infancy, I know big things will come. There is so much hatred out there!

And do not worry- I, Steven, am good with infants. I've only dropped this blog on its head twice.

If you hate it, I hate it too...

On the right panel is a poll asking what you hate the most. When the poll's time expires whichever one wins will go down in history as...


Be a part of this historic occasion. Get out and vote!

Bad Tattoos

Let's have a little quiz:

So you just got to college, you go out partying with your friends at some off-campus house, and you get pretty intoxicated. What do you do next?

a) Get your friends and head back home safely so that you will be ready for class tomorrow

b) Stumble into the nearest tattoo parlor and demand some ink!

If you are like 98% of college freshmen, you choose b)

Now, I know tattoos can be cool; they allow people to express themselves and can even be a personal memorial to someone. However, some of the crap that people put on themselves is just plain awful.

This guy must have been pretty drunk.

The best part about all of this is that tattoos stick with you FOREVER. When I am at a Little League sporting event and I have nothing to do, I play a little game called "How many MILF's in the vicinity have visible tattoo?" These college drop-outs are now soccer moms and have married some rich guy and have tons of money, but the remnants of the past still linger.

So, I guess what I am trying to get at, is that when you teenagers out there go to college, don't be those people who get awful tattoos. Do piercings instead:

It worked for Xerxes!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

What do you hate?

Even though this is my blog, I wanna know what you hate.

Take the poll on the right, drop me a comment, LET ME KNOW!

It is unhealthy to let the hate bottle up! Look what it did to Frank Costanza in Seinfeld.


Serenity now, Insanity later!

The Sims

There is a certain thing people do when they fail at real life.

They make virtual lives.
The Sims has been a popular computer game for the past decade, winning many awards and causing thousands of nerds to actually have hope. Well I hate it!

Aside from nerds, The Sims attracts another group of people: kids. And there is only one real reason why kids play this computer game...they want to see if they can get the people to have sex with each other.

Yes, I said it. And you know I'm right. You create a husband and wife, keep the house clean to make them happy, get them to kiss each other. You may even look up cheat codes. Then, all of a sudden...BAM! You try to get them to make sweet, passionate, virtual love.

Of course, while you are doing this all of your friends are outside playing football or a "cool" video game, yet you are so mesmerized that you sit on the computer for hours trying to get the couple to do it while your social life goes down the toilet.

Guess what? Now, that your social life has gone down the toilet, you have nothing better to do than play some more of The Sims, and the company that makes the game knows this. They have like 40 expansion packs. It's a death trap people...stay far away from The Sims.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

As Seen On TV

You stroll the aisles of Target looking for shampoo to control that dandruff of yours that keeps you from garnering the attention of that cute girl in chemistry class. You glance over the Head and Shoulders, the Selsun Blue, and the generic brands, trying to decide what one will get the job done best. All of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye, you notice a certain brand of shampoo fills an entire row. You go up to it and instantly you are in love.

It is that shampoo you saw on that commercial!

You go up to the counter, pay for it, drive home as fast as possible to test it out, and run up to the shower to test it out. Two hours later, your hair is flakier than ever.

Thats what you get for buying an "As Seen on TV" product.

The real question is not whether the product was going to work or not. We all know there is a better chance of George W. Bush getting a third term than one of these products actually working. The real question is WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE BUY THIS CRAP!

You would think that with iPods, DVDs, the internet, and crappy blogs like this one flooding the minds of Americans, there would be no chance that putting the word "TV" on something would actually sell something.

I'll end this post with this:

If I ever get my hands on the person responsible for "As Seen on TV" he will be sorry, because instead of going out with that girl from chemistry, I am sitting here, blogging, and scratching my head to get all of the flakes off.

<------ Sorry, lady, but this "As Seen on TV" toilet cleaner is pretty "crappy!"

"Representin' Area Codes"

Our grandparents represented the United States and all of the ideals of freedom, democracy, and liberty when they stormed Omaha Beach. They tore through enemy fire and trudged on after they saw their friends get brutally slaughtered, all in a valiant effort to stop the plague of facism that was rapidly spreading across the European continent.

What do today's youth represent?

Telephone Area Codes

One needs to look no further than the nearest middle school bus stop to see a growing trend that is plaguing our youth:

[White Kid #1] "Yo, man who you reppin'"

[Wite Kid #2] "Bro, I got the 703, ain't nowhere else to be" (throws up gang sign)

If these kids somehow end up on the front lines of some future conflict, we are toast.

But it doesn't stop at the bus stops. Oh no, no, no. This problem is much more widespread



Where will it end?

Friday, March 20, 2009

Complimentary Breadsticks

In my family, going out to eat at a restaurant is a big deal, as we do so only two or three times a year. As little kids, my siblings and I would always get excited when we would go to get food. However, when we would get back home after eating I would always have a bad taste in my mouth (figuratively ;) ) because of a certain restaurant staple

The complimentary breadsticks.

The complimentary breadstick has only two uses known to man:

1) It can be used as a weapon when you fight with you brother while the food is cooking.

2) It is loaded with salt, butter, and carbohydrates and fills you up so much you don't have any room for your dinner.

Now, put yourself in my shoes for a minute...You are an eight year-old kid who hasn't been to a restaurant in like six months. All you want is a big, juicy hamburger and 3/4 of a pound of the crispiest french fried you could possibly imagine.

But you had to fill up on the breadsticks, didn't you?

Well, in six months you can try again.

-Tube Socks

Aunt Mildred's gift is the last one you will open this Christmas. After not getting that Xbox from mom and dad and having Grandma knit you a sweater you are thinking this Christmas is a wash. But wait! There is still one last chance:

Aunt Mildred's gift.

Everyone is watching you as you gently rip back the paper. What could it be? You can't wait any longer and rip off the wrapping in a fury.

You just got a pair of fucking tube socks.

Welcome To Things I Hate

Well, I am a pretty laid-back guy most of the time, however there are many things out there that just get under my skin. This blog is dedicated to the things I hate. I hope you have as much fun reading this blog as I had making it.